Tan the Man
by Fastern
Summary: Spock and Kirk try and figure out how to explain Kirk’s new tan to Dr. McCoy...Well, sort of...


**A/N:** I'm _amazed_ I haven't written any Star Trek fanfiction before. Not only do I come from a long line of Trekkies, I consistently obsess over the franchise and hold an EVER ENDURING love of every MOMENT of sci-fi action I've seen in relation to Star Trek.

So, about two hours ago, I wrote this in relation to a school project.

Being homeschooled rocks because you can write fanfiction and claim that it is HOMEWORK. Which it is. Which explains the lack of plot.

Anyhoo, it's supposed to be a dialogue excercise written from two perspectives. It's pointless, but I thought I'd share anyways.

In other news, this is my 40th story. Wooooo.

I do not own the AMAZING "Star Trek" series or anything in relation, because it's TOO AWESOME for me to own.

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**Tan the Man** - From Spock's perspective

Spock _had_ been hoping that today would be a nice, normal day, when nothing out-of-the ordinary would happen. As a matter of fact, nothing really did happen on that day, as they didn't have to deal with super beings from the future or a rock monster made out of Styrofoam. Yes, everything had been perfectly fine until Kirk came to the bridge...with a tan. He looked around, a wide, stupid grin on his face, before heading over to his customary seat. Upon sitting down, he rubbed the armrests. Again, this was done with a sort of expectation, like he expected the crew to suddenly drool over his new tan.

Spock stared for a full ten seconds.

'Captain,' Spock approached Kirk. '...Is that a tan?'

'Nope, I walked into a lamp,' grinned Kirk.

Spock raised his eyebrow.

'That was sarcasm.'

'Evidentially,' said Spock. 'Where did you get it? We are on a starship, lightyears from the nearest star or – in fact – any sort of device which could darken the skin tone.'

'Oh, and I'm sure you'd know _everything_ about it,' Kirk laughed. 'Vulcan's sun is two times as hot as Earth's, and your skin hasn't even turned a pleasant shade of sea green. Well, see...' he leaned in, 'you know that last planet we stopped at? Well, when nobody was looking, I beamed down to one of their beaches. Gorgeous place; it reminds me of the ones back home. The girls weren't that bad looking, either...'

'You took an unauthorized shore leave?' Spock translated.

'Unauthorized? Spock, I'm the Captain. _I_ authorized it.'

'And you're supposed to be setting an example to the crew.'

'Well, there's no point denying it now,' Kirk winked. 'I got a tan to show for it. Now I'll look nice and relaxed for when the admiral does an inspection.'

'...If you think so, Captain.'

The bridge's main entrance flew open. The good Doctor McCoy stepped in, currently distracted with a PADD.

'Uh oh,' murmured Kirk, looking in the opposite direction. 'This is great. How am I supposed to explain this to him?'

'Your tan, Captain?'

'Yes! I told him I'd stop talking unauthorized shore leaves...If you ask me, he's just jealous.'

'But didn't you say that the shore leave –'

'Forget what I said and help me think of something.'

'I have work to do,' decided Spock.

'Spock!' hissed the Captain.

Spock returned to his station, just as McCoy approached the Captain.

'Well, Jim, if you ask me, I could get a lot more work done if I had some time for shore – where in blaze's did you get that tan?!' demanded McCoy.

'I...uh...see, um, here's the thing, uh...'

Spock turned back to his station. He wished that rock creatures made of Styrofoam would attack the ship and be done with it.

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**Tan the Man** - Kirk's Perspective

Kirk stretched while still in the lift, feeling more refreshed then he'd had in ages. Sure, technically he wasn't _supposed_ to take a shore leave, but who cared? After all, if Dr. McCoy didn't seize the opportunity when it arose, then that was his problem. Kirk? Well, he was the Captain. He could do whatever the hell he wanted.

He strode into the bridge and looked around expectantly. But aside from Spock raising his eyebrows at him, there was no immediate reaction to his incredible new tan. Somehow, that didn't spoil his mood. Kirk dropped himself down in his captain's seat. (Rubbing its armrests lovingly.)

Seconds later, he got what he wanted.

'Captain,' Spock appeared to his right. '...Is that a tan?'

'Nope, I walked into a lamp,' joked Kirk.

Spock raised his eyebrows.

'That was sarcasm.'

'Evidentially,' drawled Spock. 'Where did you get it? We are on a starship, lightyears from the nearest star or – in fact – any sort of device which could darken the skin tone.'

'Oh, and I'm sure you'd know _everything_ about it,' Kirk laughed. 'Vulcan's sun is two times as hot as Earth's, and your skin hasn't even turned a pleasant shade of sea green. Well, see...' he leaned in, hoping to add a sense of melodramatica, 'you know that last planet we stopped at? Well, when nobody was looking, I beamed down to one of their beaches. Gorgeous place; it reminds me of the ones back home. The girls weren't that bad looking, either...'

'You took an unauthorized shore leave?' Spock guessed.

'Unauthorized? Spock, I'm the Captain. _I_ authorized it.'

'And you're supposed to be setting an example to the crew.'

'Well, there's no point denying it now,' Kirk winked. 'I got a tan to show for it. Now I'll look nice and relaxed for when the admiral does an inspection.'

'...If you think so, Captain.'

The bridge's main entrance flew open. Dr. McCoy stepped in, currently distracted with a PADD. A sense of terror settled down on Kirk.

'Uh oh,' murmured Kirk, quickly looking away. 'This is great. How am I supposed to explain this to him?'

'Your tan, Captain?'

'Yes! I told him I'd stop talking unauthorized shore leaves...If you ask me, he's just jealous.'

'But didn't you say that the shore leave –'

'Forget what I said and help me think of something.'

'I have work to do,' said Spock, dismissively.

'Spock!' hissed the Captain. There goes his last hope.

Spock returned to his station, just as McCoy approached.

'Well, Jim, if you ask me, I could get a lot more work done if I had some time for shore – where in blaze's did you get that tan?!' shouted McCoy, towering over him.

Kirk grinned nervously. 'I...uh...see, um, here's the thing, uh...'

Somehow, he didn't think an excuse would do it for McCoy's infuriated expression.


End file.
